What I learned from TV

Since Liam has come, I have been watching a lot more TV. (Its not like you can do much else when taking care of him.) I have to admit at first that it sort of depressed me. I have never been a true lover of TV - maybe because it rhymes with TB.

However, last night, I realized how much I can learn. Specifically, I have learned what I don't want Lima to be when he grows up. A short list:
- Pro Wrestler
- Evangelist
- Reality TV Personality
- Special Guest on Cops
- Morning Show Host

On Conspiracies

Call it lack of sleep or what have you, but I am beginning to believe that there are some conspiracies out there to take advantage of us poor new parents. While I am not planning on building a bunker anytime soon and living off the grid, I am getting concerned that I am finding more and more conspiracies. Again, call it lack of sleep, or the domino theory (find one conspiracy and find them all - JFK isn't too far away), or that new parent conspiracy is growing stronger. In any case, here are a few of the conspiracies that I uncovered during breakfast:

1. Pernicious Parenting Magazine: It seems that every new parent experience (registering at Babies 'R Us, getting photos taken, delivering the baby) comes with a limited subscription to Parenting Magazine with no risk to you. Even when you don't want one (and it seems like we said no one thousand times), they still show up at your door, as inevitable as the birth. At first, I thought it was just to push magazines, but they were too nice on the phone when I cancelled one subscription that got through our defenses. Instead of profit, it seem like they are trying to get some subliminal message across. Perhaps in support of our next conspiracy.

2. Sinister Similac: Similac provides thousands of different variations of one thing - baby formula. Is there really a difference between these powders or is Similac taking advantage of gullible parents desperate to get their beautiful child not to cry and willing to try anything (even one hundred and one formulas at $20+ a pop) by offering the same powder with different scents (We'll scent this one like chalk, this one like beef gravy, this one like cookie dough - they'll never know the difference). Different scents and articles in Parenting Magazine.

I think I'm on to something. If I disappear, keep the search for the truth going.

Pipes of Angels
As you may have noticed, Halloween has come and go and there is still no opportunistic photo of Liam in his bat costume. The reason is that Liam has the insides of an angel, and purity doesn't come with good pipes.

Feeding has been an odyssey. First at the hospital, he couldn't decide if he wanted to nurse. After three nights that seemed like 7 years, we moved to a sample of Similac we got in the mail and all seemed well. Rapture did not take us to baby hell for having used formula, although we were worried.

We had heard horrible things about formula-eaters - that they were lazy, dumb, and (from a lactation consultant) less lovable because the formula makes them smell bad. We pushed on, still loving Liam despite being joined by the god of ill wind. A mighty wind did come from such a small thing and forced Liam to thrash about and attempt to put anything in his mouth - K and I included.

With a soy formula, we got past the dangers of gas and cannibalism for a time. But this brought cement to the angel pipes, where we had to spend days waiting for a couple of wandering rocks. Some said, we should do x and others said we should do y, taking us off the course of our goal, but we have plodded on. Trying a hundred more formulas over a hundred more days.

While we are by no means home yet, we've learned a lot. Mostly, we learned that like any odyssey there aren't any answers. Instead of advice books for new parents, they really should provide troubleshooting guides like you can buy at Home Depot. If your pipes are clogged . . .

Posing is hard.

I got a couple of requests of photos of Liam, so that people could get a sense of how big he has gotten. He can still sleep in a breadbox, but it isn't as comfortable anymore.

Anyway, it is hard to take a picture when you need to. Here are the outtakes:

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Plus, a cute photo that required no posing:

From Liam Birth

K- for President, Senator, Representative, Etc., Etc.

First, a public service announcement: please do your duty today and vote. If you aren't registered, you better be a felon or a foriegner. Otherwise, shame.

Second, I encourage you to vote for K-. For what? I will leave that to you - this is a democracy - but certainly vote for her. Sure, she won't be on any ballot, but there are always a couple of write in spots on the ballot.

Like our politicians, K- isn't perfect, but - I ask you - who of us are? After long bouts without the right amount of sleep, she says things she doesn't mean and throws hot coffee on her assistants.

Unlike our politicians, however, I have found new respect for K- over the past month. It is through her strength, patience, and resolve that Liam is happy and healthy 99% of the time. And, it is through her genuine kindness and care that there is more good than bad each day.

So, a vote for K- is a vote for America. Vote today!

Liam's First Baby Sitting

Yesterday, PeePaw and MeeMaw took the inaugural voyage on the USS Liam. It wasn't planned. K- planned on visiting and then we were going to go through our normal Sunday of switching between watching Liam and catching some sleep/sanity. But, they wanted to baby sit- they actually asked to! PeePaw got to take pictures of Liam riding the dog and MeeMaw got all the cuddling in that a grandma could want.

At first, I just didn't understand it. Why would someone sign on to watching a baby sleeping, fussing, crying, expelling sundries, and making only a few occasional cute noises? When they weren't obliged by parenthood? Sure, Liam is one of their first grandkids and all grandkids are perfection on earth. But, I think it might be something less fantastic than a grandparent's unequivocal love. Or, at least, I hope that there may be something less to it.

It would be nice if it was simply that fact that all things are nice in small doses. Sure, that takes a little of the shine off of love, and, sure, Kill-Joy, you could say something like mold is undesirable even in small doses. However, I would offer that cheese is small doses of mold and delicious. Running is great in the small bursts you would run as a kid, but fairly awful beyond that. It would likely be fun to work at McDonald's for day, as long as you weren't obliged to come the next day.

From another perspective, all things can be wonderful if you can break things down in small pieces (even when they're big) and look at the pieces in new ways. Then, the crying can be humorous; the expulsions can be comic; and, the cute noises - well they are always welcome. Either that or we'll have to stick with unconditional love.

The Other Visitors

Since in my last post I thanked our virtual visitors, I feel it is only appropriate to thank those that visited the house over the last month. Below are pictures of only a few of the people that have visited so far. For those who have visited and I don't have a photo yet, I offer the following excuses:
1. My dog ate it.
2. I didn't have my camera charger.
3. I don't know how to focus my camera.
4. You had a funny look on your face.
5. I cut off your head in the picture.
By the next time you visit, I promise to have taken a photography class, charged the camera, and locked up the dog.

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Liam Life is the 100 Millionth Website in the World!

I don't want you to think Liam is a one-with-history, Forest Gump character (Zelig was better anyway), but NetCraft announced that the Internet has reached the 100 Millionth Site landmark last month - right around the time that LiamLife sprung to life. I will let you make your own conclusions.

To celebrate, we want to thank you the visitors. According to my Analytics (yes, we are spying on you), we have had around 75 unique visitors from 12 states and 3 countries. Not to discount family and loved ones, but some of our favorites are those 3 or 4 mystery visitors that obviously didn't intend to come but hit the Next Blog button at the top of the screen. They boost our International numbers (we don't know anyone in Sweden) and give Liam a citizen-of-the-world flair. At one time or another, the following sites have been our blogging neighbors and referrers:
www.inkartist.blogspot.com
www.jojuc.blogspot.com
www.lobitaenecuador.blogspot.com

Maybe, life is like a box of chocolates.

Why Men Don't Have Babies?

Since Liam has arrived, a number of (mostly female) individuals have asked me if I would have had the baby if I could. While Arnold Schwarzenegger's Junior was genius film-making (if you are not familiar, Arnold is a scientist - first laugh - makes himself pregnant - second laugh), I am not convinced that men having babies is such a good idea.

No, it is not because I don't think you should mess with nature. While against nature, Labradoodles are adorable and Snickerdoodles are delicious. Nor am I against it for the fact that men cannot take as much pain as women (We can't, but it is really beside the point).

The reason that I think it is a bad idea is because it would open up the flood gates of the male ego, engulfing all in it's wake. Many guys feel like they could conquer the universe when they install a garage door opener. Imagine if we could create life. It's just for the better if don't imagine such things.

Open Letter to Liam

Dear Liam:
While we love you, you are really making it difficult to have those Kodak, joy-of-parenting moments we've been promised in all of the commercials. Screaming for food, dead in some one's face is at once bad manners and makes it seem like you don't want any part of those hazy, bright photos where it appears angels are tickling every one's hindquarters. I know these moments are likely to arrive. However, it would be nice if you could see it in your benevolence to make them come sooner rather than later. To rephrase, get with the cooing and smiles and enough with the bloody murder.

Sincerely,
The Management

Childhood Rivalry

Ever since we found out that Liam was coming, we were a little concerned about how L.V. might react. Since we have been home, L.V. has been an excellent big brother - perhaps to good of a big brother. He lays at the foot of Liam's chair, paces when Liam cries, and now he has taken to stand sentry over Liam's crib. Woe be to him who crosses the red-eyed cat's path.

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

(I once seen him eat a man alive.)

Liam and Bedhead Dad
There is a reason that Liam is working on his fourth week and you haven't seen these photos. But in the interest of full disclosure . . . It would have been nice if Liam could return the PhotoShop favor.

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Unflattering Characterizations

It seems that Liam has taken exception to some of my characterizations of him as of late. While not defamatory, I do have to admit that some of my characterizations have been unflattering.

For example, Liam is an enthusiastic eater - to the point that he almost forgets to breath. It sounds a little like a fat boy going for broke at the Olde Towne Buffet. I understand why he may not appreciate being seen by his dad in this light, and I apologize. Although, in my defense, I could have gone for the gold and compared him to Jabba the Hut. I am showing some restraint.

Another example, Liam is somewhat pitiful looking when you burp him. He just short of hangs there with his mouth open, grunting. It sounds a little like the frat boy whose love for Natural Lite outpaces the fortitude of his stomach. Lots of "Oh, God" and "I'll never do this again." Again, I understand his complaint and apologize.

So, moving forward, no fatty or fratty jokes. He's so sensitive.

No Action
I've already mentioned earlier in the month the unexpected lack of fireworks in child-rearing. Under the heading of no action, there have been a number of beautiful evenings these past three weeks when K-, Liam, and L.V. are all sleeping at the same time. Liam in his chair and K- and L.V. curled up on the futon. These are some of my favorite times.

You would figure it would be just to have a free personal time (the only real adjustment I have felt over the past 3 weeks). Instead, I normally sit dumb with an odd feeling of pride. I say odd, because I haven't done anything to create such a peaceful scene. In fact, it takes most of my willpower to stop myself from taking their picture and ruining the scene with a flash. There is something though about watching them sleep and being almost certain that they are in a nice place that is pure pride.

Liam's First Walk
In other news this week, we took Liam on his first walk last Sunday. We took a lovely jaunt up to Phoenix for a delicious Cafe Au Lait and Hot Choco. In respect for the coming end of Ramadan and the high winds off of Lake Erie, we decided to outfit Liam in a cozy Burka Burrito of PJs, Blankets, and BundleMe. While he saw nothing of the outside world after these two photos, I am sure that he felt the wonder of nature.

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Liam and Mom

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Exercises in Parental Vanity

So, we finally got Liam's official hospital photo in the mail this week.

From Liam Birth

Let's say, I was underwhelmed. As a parent, I expect to maintain the vain illusion that my child is perfect progeny. Bad hair cuts through those illusions like a man behind the curtain. Did they not have a brush or a smoothing hand in the nursery? Look at that hair!

No worries though, folks. Thanks to the wonders of Photoshop, Liam's bedhead has been erased from history in a matter of moments. Look at that beautiful head of hair. Illusion restored. Now, I just have to find a way to Photoshop diapers.

From Liam Birth

Cribs - Liam Edition

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Liam's First Doctor Visit

Liam had his first official doctor's visit yesterday, and I can tell you that it went much better than the unofficial visit we took him on the first day we had him home to learn the mysteries of infant feeding. Liam has grown from his original 7 lbs and some and 19 inches long to 8 lbs and some and 21 inches long. Not bad work for laying around and doing nothing all day.

Not to brag, but the doctor also said that he is remarkably strong. I know last week that I was worried about his thuggish tendencies, but I much rather him be a strong thug than some Steve Bushemi type thug. I mean, if I had to choose.

In fact, she said he was so strong that we should be careful not to leave him on a bed or table alone, because he would likely flip himself off and land on the floor. The doctor added that, if we absoultely had to, we should at least put down a blanket.

K- and I have decided just to keep an eye on Liam's acrobatics instead. While we have plenty of blankets, it seems a waste to use them for such low grade collisions. I have to admit that I was unaware of the magical properties of blankets. I mean, I apprieciate their coziness. However, with my new found knowledge, I have taken to wrapping our cars with them.

Hospital Apocrypha

With all of the excitement about Liam, I forgot to share with you the fact that L.V. was with us at the hospital through new technology. Since it is unsanitary to have pets in the hospital, Lakewood has devised a way to visit the room through 1980's motel art. It is fairly remarkable what they can do with pastels these days. Below you will find a picture of Kate and L.V. sharing a tender moment:

From Liam Birth

And here is L.V. resting after one of his broadcasts to the hospital room:

From LV