Liam to join the Jewish-Mexican Soccer Team

To be filed under parental Rorschach tests:
Liam has a pair of Osh Kosh Big Top Pajamas in a lovely bright green - pictured below:

From Liam Birth

After a sleepless night or some other new parent excuse, I noticed that the jammys were the same color of the Mexican national soccer team jerseys. Then, I looked closer at the print, specifically the big tops. What do you see?

From Liam Birth

Probably nothing. However, if you squint and look at the big top upside down, you get an early Hannakah greeting - a lovely menorah of osh kosh glory. Buy your season tickets today.

From Liam Birth

Happy Thanksgiving / Happy Halloween

I know these are a little late, but Liam really didn't feel like dressing up for Halloween. Two weeks later however (with Thanksgiving fastly approaching), he got into a festive spirit.

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Liam's First Cold

Another milestone! Liam has been infected with his first cold!

Part of this weekend's communication silence on Liam Life can be blamed on time spent suctioning snot and soothing. It is hard to be a shine on some apples, but there has been some upsides:

- More coos per second: The best coos coming after a violent sneezing fit.
- Well, that is about it. No one really likes being sick and it is probably worse when you don't know what it happening to you. I would imagaine it would be something like if (during my next cold) my mucus turned blue and pine-flavored.

I would like to blame this cold on the schools, but I think it might be a bit premature. They'll get theirs though soon enough.

German Pacifiers are taking over the world.

I know I might be venturing into Lou Dobbs or even Andy Rooney territory here, but you have been warned. As you can tell by nearly every post, parenting (while rewarding) is not the stuff of excitment. A lot of waiting and watching with brief bursts of activity.

During all this waiting and watching, I noticed that all of Liam's pacifiers are made in Germany. While they are lovely pacifiers, I have to wonder how Germany came to corner the pacifier market. Have we fallen so low America that we can't fashion our own pacifiers? Is pacifier technology so advanced that we may need to introduce an Apollo program just to catch up? Will our sons and daughters first words be mutter or vater? I ask you.

Trickle-Down Happiness

As a Reagan youth, I remember the hearing about Reaganomics or Trickle-Down Economics. In a nut shell, if you lower taxes on business and the rich, they will then spend money, making everyone rich. While not a cynical youth, I was skeptical. I had an intuition that something just didn't add up. One person who could put my intuition into sentences was economist John Kenneth Galbraith who called the approach "horse and sparrow" economics: "If you feed enough oats to the horse, some will pass through to feed the sparrows."

However, I retract my skepticism after seeing the practice in real life. You see, Liam has been in a much better mood lately - the crying to cooing ratio has switched dramatically. This (in turn) has made K- ebullient. We are talking joy to spare. This happiness(in turn) has made its way down to me. Whether it is horse happiness or sparrow happiness, I cannot say, but beggars can't be choosers.

Young Jeremy Bentham

Since Liam is starting to hold down food, I have started to think about education and I thought about young Jeremy Bentham. Bentham was a famous late-18th century personality - a philosopher, social reformer, and a man requesting to be stuffed and mounted at University College London (albeit with a wax head). He was also a child prodigy, reading history as a toddler and learning Latin at three.

As an adult, Bentham also tutored John Stuart Mill, early 19th century, philosopher, social reformer, but not stuffed at any university. Mill learned Latin at three, Greek at 6, and had a breakdown at 20.

The moral of the story: while Latin will make you peculiar, Greek will drive you nuts.

Liam and Mom: Gas Does Not Have to Be All Bombast

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

What I learned from TV

Since Liam has come, I have been watching a lot more TV. (Its not like you can do much else when taking care of him.) I have to admit at first that it sort of depressed me. I have never been a true lover of TV - maybe because it rhymes with TB.

However, last night, I realized how much I can learn. Specifically, I have learned what I don't want Lima to be when he grows up. A short list:
- Pro Wrestler
- Evangelist
- Reality TV Personality
- Special Guest on Cops
- Morning Show Host

On Conspiracies

Call it lack of sleep or what have you, but I am beginning to believe that there are some conspiracies out there to take advantage of us poor new parents. While I am not planning on building a bunker anytime soon and living off the grid, I am getting concerned that I am finding more and more conspiracies. Again, call it lack of sleep, or the domino theory (find one conspiracy and find them all - JFK isn't too far away), or that new parent conspiracy is growing stronger. In any case, here are a few of the conspiracies that I uncovered during breakfast:

1. Pernicious Parenting Magazine: It seems that every new parent experience (registering at Babies 'R Us, getting photos taken, delivering the baby) comes with a limited subscription to Parenting Magazine with no risk to you. Even when you don't want one (and it seems like we said no one thousand times), they still show up at your door, as inevitable as the birth. At first, I thought it was just to push magazines, but they were too nice on the phone when I cancelled one subscription that got through our defenses. Instead of profit, it seem like they are trying to get some subliminal message across. Perhaps in support of our next conspiracy.

2. Sinister Similac: Similac provides thousands of different variations of one thing - baby formula. Is there really a difference between these powders or is Similac taking advantage of gullible parents desperate to get their beautiful child not to cry and willing to try anything (even one hundred and one formulas at $20+ a pop) by offering the same powder with different scents (We'll scent this one like chalk, this one like beef gravy, this one like cookie dough - they'll never know the difference). Different scents and articles in Parenting Magazine.

I think I'm on to something. If I disappear, keep the search for the truth going.

Pipes of Angels
As you may have noticed, Halloween has come and go and there is still no opportunistic photo of Liam in his bat costume. The reason is that Liam has the insides of an angel, and purity doesn't come with good pipes.

Feeding has been an odyssey. First at the hospital, he couldn't decide if he wanted to nurse. After three nights that seemed like 7 years, we moved to a sample of Similac we got in the mail and all seemed well. Rapture did not take us to baby hell for having used formula, although we were worried.

We had heard horrible things about formula-eaters - that they were lazy, dumb, and (from a lactation consultant) less lovable because the formula makes them smell bad. We pushed on, still loving Liam despite being joined by the god of ill wind. A mighty wind did come from such a small thing and forced Liam to thrash about and attempt to put anything in his mouth - K and I included.

With a soy formula, we got past the dangers of gas and cannibalism for a time. But this brought cement to the angel pipes, where we had to spend days waiting for a couple of wandering rocks. Some said, we should do x and others said we should do y, taking us off the course of our goal, but we have plodded on. Trying a hundred more formulas over a hundred more days.

While we are by no means home yet, we've learned a lot. Mostly, we learned that like any odyssey there aren't any answers. Instead of advice books for new parents, they really should provide troubleshooting guides like you can buy at Home Depot. If your pipes are clogged . . .

Posing is hard.

I got a couple of requests of photos of Liam, so that people could get a sense of how big he has gotten. He can still sleep in a breadbox, but it isn't as comfortable anymore.

Anyway, it is hard to take a picture when you need to. Here are the outtakes:

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Plus, a cute photo that required no posing:

From Liam Birth

K- for President, Senator, Representative, Etc., Etc.

First, a public service announcement: please do your duty today and vote. If you aren't registered, you better be a felon or a foriegner. Otherwise, shame.

Second, I encourage you to vote for K-. For what? I will leave that to you - this is a democracy - but certainly vote for her. Sure, she won't be on any ballot, but there are always a couple of write in spots on the ballot.

Like our politicians, K- isn't perfect, but - I ask you - who of us are? After long bouts without the right amount of sleep, she says things she doesn't mean and throws hot coffee on her assistants.

Unlike our politicians, however, I have found new respect for K- over the past month. It is through her strength, patience, and resolve that Liam is happy and healthy 99% of the time. And, it is through her genuine kindness and care that there is more good than bad each day.

So, a vote for K- is a vote for America. Vote today!

Liam's First Baby Sitting

Yesterday, PeePaw and MeeMaw took the inaugural voyage on the USS Liam. It wasn't planned. K- planned on visiting and then we were going to go through our normal Sunday of switching between watching Liam and catching some sleep/sanity. But, they wanted to baby sit- they actually asked to! PeePaw got to take pictures of Liam riding the dog and MeeMaw got all the cuddling in that a grandma could want.

At first, I just didn't understand it. Why would someone sign on to watching a baby sleeping, fussing, crying, expelling sundries, and making only a few occasional cute noises? When they weren't obliged by parenthood? Sure, Liam is one of their first grandkids and all grandkids are perfection on earth. But, I think it might be something less fantastic than a grandparent's unequivocal love. Or, at least, I hope that there may be something less to it.

It would be nice if it was simply that fact that all things are nice in small doses. Sure, that takes a little of the shine off of love, and, sure, Kill-Joy, you could say something like mold is undesirable even in small doses. However, I would offer that cheese is small doses of mold and delicious. Running is great in the small bursts you would run as a kid, but fairly awful beyond that. It would likely be fun to work at McDonald's for day, as long as you weren't obliged to come the next day.

From another perspective, all things can be wonderful if you can break things down in small pieces (even when they're big) and look at the pieces in new ways. Then, the crying can be humorous; the expulsions can be comic; and, the cute noises - well they are always welcome. Either that or we'll have to stick with unconditional love.

The Other Visitors

Since in my last post I thanked our virtual visitors, I feel it is only appropriate to thank those that visited the house over the last month. Below are pictures of only a few of the people that have visited so far. For those who have visited and I don't have a photo yet, I offer the following excuses:
1. My dog ate it.
2. I didn't have my camera charger.
3. I don't know how to focus my camera.
4. You had a funny look on your face.
5. I cut off your head in the picture.
By the next time you visit, I promise to have taken a photography class, charged the camera, and locked up the dog.

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

From Liam Birth

Liam Life is the 100 Millionth Website in the World!

I don't want you to think Liam is a one-with-history, Forest Gump character (Zelig was better anyway), but NetCraft announced that the Internet has reached the 100 Millionth Site landmark last month - right around the time that LiamLife sprung to life. I will let you make your own conclusions.

To celebrate, we want to thank you the visitors. According to my Analytics (yes, we are spying on you), we have had around 75 unique visitors from 12 states and 3 countries. Not to discount family and loved ones, but some of our favorites are those 3 or 4 mystery visitors that obviously didn't intend to come but hit the Next Blog button at the top of the screen. They boost our International numbers (we don't know anyone in Sweden) and give Liam a citizen-of-the-world flair. At one time or another, the following sites have been our blogging neighbors and referrers:
www.inkartist.blogspot.com
www.jojuc.blogspot.com
www.lobitaenecuador.blogspot.com

Maybe, life is like a box of chocolates.

Why Men Don't Have Babies?

Since Liam has arrived, a number of (mostly female) individuals have asked me if I would have had the baby if I could. While Arnold Schwarzenegger's Junior was genius film-making (if you are not familiar, Arnold is a scientist - first laugh - makes himself pregnant - second laugh), I am not convinced that men having babies is such a good idea.

No, it is not because I don't think you should mess with nature. While against nature, Labradoodles are adorable and Snickerdoodles are delicious. Nor am I against it for the fact that men cannot take as much pain as women (We can't, but it is really beside the point).

The reason that I think it is a bad idea is because it would open up the flood gates of the male ego, engulfing all in it's wake. Many guys feel like they could conquer the universe when they install a garage door opener. Imagine if we could create life. It's just for the better if don't imagine such things.

Open Letter to Liam

Dear Liam:
While we love you, you are really making it difficult to have those Kodak, joy-of-parenting moments we've been promised in all of the commercials. Screaming for food, dead in some one's face is at once bad manners and makes it seem like you don't want any part of those hazy, bright photos where it appears angels are tickling every one's hindquarters. I know these moments are likely to arrive. However, it would be nice if you could see it in your benevolence to make them come sooner rather than later. To rephrase, get with the cooing and smiles and enough with the bloody murder.

Sincerely,
The Management